"Dirty little secrets/Dirty little lies/We got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s size/We love to cut you down to size/We love dirty laundry." –Don Henley song “Dirty Laundry,” circa 1982 (yes, we’re that old).
It’s true: we’re into dirty laundry. We’ll show you ours, if you show us yours.
Andersen vs. Maggie, sans spin cycle: Who can out-dirt whom?
…is as hairy as a white person can be, without being Robin Williams.
…is worried about the whirling razor-sharp propellers of reckless Floridian rednecks on motorboat joyrides. Wait, that’s Manatees.
…is turning silverback, like a mountain gorilla. He also has a few too many animal-related anxieties.
…would be married to a nice Jewish girl by now, if he weren’t as gay as all get out.
…wonders why he got out of bed for this.
…self-consciously tries to keep her wine glass as far away from her mouth as possible, which is as counter-intuitive as it gets.
…wonders what it would take for casting directors to type her as hospital thin.
…should be further along in her career. Although, her acting resume shows she has worked on two series, and studied with Kurt Vonnegut which is impressive for her “acting age.” (Real age - 7 years + stage makeup)
…worries she will go blind, deaf, lose her hair, get horribly disfigured by hot acid, and people will hate her.
…also worries she will be convicted of a crime that a girl who looks identical to her commits. She won’t even be cast in the TV movie of her story, due to the “stress lines” in her forehead. It’s hard to get bootleg Botox in prison, ladies.
…has short term goals like organizing her closet, and long term goals… like changing everything about her.
ABOUT THE WRITERS
Andersen Gabrych is inspired by honesty, even when it’s a complete lie. He’s a ritualistic writer, if you count his ritualistic jags of watching Kung-Fu movies and reality TV. While researching Dirty Laundry, he learned the most telling, seminal moments in life come in the strangest little moments; the value of which only realized after you’re caught singing “Old Man River” gussied up like a Turkish prostitute. He’s discovered that as people grow less connected in reality and more in tune with internet media, true experience has become more novel than fiction. Andersen is currently reading The Audubon Guide to North American Mammals, which may explain his wildlife daydreams.
Maggie Rowe is well versed in literature: she used to put on thick eye make-up and pretend she was Sylvia Plath in the mirror. For that reason alone, she is considered a true feminist. She’s read four books about Pentecostal snake handlers in the last three years. There must be something hot about a charismatic Appalachian snake-handlin’ preacher leading a hapless and toothless Appalachian congregation to inevitable death by snake bite. She currently owns 87 self help books — if you open the cabinet, they all say “help me!” Right now, Maggie is reading The Dry Eye Remedy: the Complete Guide to Restoring the Health and Moisture of Your Eyes by Robert Latkany, M.D. Top that for Less Sexy!
There. We said it.
Now you show us yours.